Happy New Year Whoop-De-Doo

So a new year and with it a new start. However the cynical in me feels it will be another same old and next year at this time I will be as miserable as ever, assuming I am still alive.

What do I wish for in the new year? the same things I wished for last year and the year before and before that and so on. My needs seem to be simple but apparently they aren’t. They are to find a decent job and a decent boyfriend who will become a decent husband. However I am wondering if I will ever get either again and fear a lifetime of never working or dating again. It goes without saying if I knew this was my future I wouldn’t hesitate to kill myself but I keep hoping I’ll get one of them, though why I don’t deserve both is something I don’t get.

When it comes to dating I have always been a failure at this. I have no idea why since I am pretty and seem like I would have many men fall for me. Oh I get lots of male attention even now, though 90% of the men are not acceptable to me. Most seem to either be much older or are dads. Divorced or never married dads are completely yucky to me on so many levels and knowing a man had a kid makes me vomit. Not that I have much money now but do not want to help support his kids or deal with his drama when he should have stayed married. That is my other point, I am devoutly Catholic and could never marry a divorced dad in church unless he got an annulment. However since I believe parents should stick together in most cases I don’t want a divorced dad even if he got an annulment. Never married dads to me have no morals in most cases because to me having kids out of wedlock is a sin. I know society tells us marriage doesn’t matter when it comes to kids but I firmly believe it does.

There are other men out there not dads but for some reason I can’t seem to get them interested in me.  I posted a profile and several dating sites and got many responses, including from many childless men but not many interest me at all. When I did online last time I failed miserably and while I met several guys none became boyfriends. Then again even if I was to meet a great guy my type, I am hung up on a guy who right now isn’t interested in dating. As it turns out he does fit what I want but is fighting an alcohol problem and dealing with a host of other issues, including an elderly mom and running a store. We are just friends now, and I can’t help but hope maybe eventually he will fight his issues and want to be with me.  He does like me as does his mom (in fact his mom said she would like to get together with me and do activities like go to the ballet).  Maybe we will just be friends and I will meet a guy fitting what I desire through other venues.

While I have always been a failure at dating, not so when it comes to working. Until this last spell of unemployment I never had a problem finding a job. In fact people often offered me jobs off the bat.  In my 20’s I had the perfect job as a model and it was great making lots of money for a job that wasn’t hard to do though could get boring at times. Once I started working in corporate jobs I always managed to find good ones with benefits. However now finding a decent job with benefits is hard, even though I have skills and education and experience. In this situation I know I am far from alone.

I am considering going back to school to become a massage therapist. A local community college has a year program after after you take the test to become licensed. I see from browsing various sites that there is a demand for this. The only problem is that it seems to be a lot of working for one’s self which is good and bad. Good because I can make my own hours, but bad because it could be unstable work. That scares me, that I’ll go back to school and be in the same situation. It’s one reason I gave up the idea of being a teacher because I see a lot of unemployed teachers and going back to school for 1-2 years to be a teacher only to be unemployed seems like a waste of time. However I have always loved school and outside of the money situation I would keep going if given the chance. I take online classes all the time through the library.

So will next year I sit here unemployed and single or will I be employed and with a man? time will tell and I will revisit this next year.

52 thoughts on “Happy New Year Whoop-De-Doo”

  1. Have you thought of doing this?

    Have a get together at some local watering hole, a sports bar, a pizza place, maybe bowling or karaoke night somewhere or somewhere else that’s fun.

    Invite about 5 of your good friends — BUT here is the premise:

    They have to bring a person of the opposite sex with them to “attend.” It can be a workmate, a guy/gal friend, a neighbor, anybody will do.:)

    You’ll accomplish 3 things:

    You’ll have a fun and relaxed night out with your friends, the friends of the friends will be glad they attended — and who knows? Maybe there will be at least 2 people who manage to “Match up” at the outing.

    Maybe you’ll even expand your circle of friends, if anything.:) The best way to meet somebody is via somebody else.

    Ya don’t have to say “this is to see if anybody meets up and goes out”! Let it be a fun and low key get together for a bunch of fun people who want to have a fun time!

    What have you got to lose?

    I have long been the proponent of meeting a person via a common cause. Don’t sign up for these crappy places like Match or eHarmony; guys that are there are more or less “career” patrons; I can’t figure out why a guy would waste a membership fee just to look at the photos of women and to email them and “talk” to them. Money best spent elsewhere.

    It is very sad that the guys with life in them do not attend church. I don’t know why that is.:(

    1. That’s not a bad idea except the problem is most of the people I know are married and so are the people they are. I ask around to many of my friends and none of them know single men. One does but she thinks the single guy she knows is a waste since he’s been married something like 5 times. Friends of mine do not have kids and I asked them if they know any single men and ironically they know one, who happens to be the guy I mentioned. He’s a friend of theirs too and they told me just to calm down about him until he deals with his issues. They said maybe he’ll come around, maybe not but to work on my issues first.

      I hate online so much and I doubt I’ll do it again. Way too many delusional men (women too probably)who want something they are not. Back when I had a good paying job I had a two year membership to Match and outside of a handful of going nowhere dates not much else came of it. Two years ago my mom for Christmas got me a subscription to Catholic Match and I met a great guy who would be perfect if he was older (we met simply as friends because he lived so far away). Outside of him it was mostly men wanting much younger or weird guys wanting to date. Online doesn’t work for me because I believe in the taking things slowly and friends first approach.

      1. The guys on Match and eHarmony are like the guys who go to thse dumb singles dances:

        They make a career of it.

        Singles dances used to be popular out here. There is somebody we know who insists on going to them — she goes to so many of them that the people who run the dances know her name.

        Back then — and this was a good 17 years ago — the guys who went to those dances were way older; they were all past their expiration date — and the women who attended were older, also. This was an over 50 crowd back then. And wow, were they cheap — never offered to buy us drinks. So tight they squeaked. I had no interest in them; too old for me, and too cheap…and lived tooo far away. Who wants a boyfriend that lives 40 or 50 miles away???

        And lots of the guys were fixures. They repeatedly came to these dances…why are you wasting time here? Find something else to do.

        The women all looked alike; the same short “little black dress” and the same pump shoes. It was like a uniform.

        I never met anybody at those things; we’d wind up going with her because she was doing the driving.

        And these dances were not locally held — a good 30 or 40 miles from here.

        There is this one “singles group” that holds Sunday night dance parties; $5 and you’re in and there is a hot and cold buffet. It was fun if you wanted something to do with girlfriends.

        We used to have so many fun places to go on weekends — you still need something to do on the weekend, even if it with your girlfiends.

        This one place is about 10 miles from my house — the doors opened at about 9 and there would be “free admission for ladies before 11 pm” and dollar drinks for ladies until 11 pm — they’d play somewhat normal music like classic disco.

        I actually met a few guys in there and it was a fun place to go with your girlfriends for a girls night out if you just wanted to get dressed up to go to dance and people watch.

        The place is long closed. They changed formats — somebody new bought it and turned it into salsa night baloney. There were about a million of those salsa clubs at one time; most are open but lots are closed. The place shut its doors a good 2 years ago, for good. a big FOR LEASE sign is on the building’s façade.

        I remember when there used to be several of these places within a 10 mile radius — you could actually hop from one club to the next if it was an off night in one club or you simply wanted to see what was going on at one of the other ones.

        There was another club we went to — very ritzy and you had to really be dressed to get in there. You also had to come early; the place was full by 9 pm. That’s how popular it was.

        And there was another club that was at the top of a hotel — that club shut down a long time ago and the Holiday Inn it was in went out of business. A new owner boubht the building — it’s been shuttered for several years — and they’re trying to give a whole new renaissance to the hotel. It’ll be interesting to see what develops; that’s an area that can really use something. It’s a smallish town that hasn’t got very many amenities.

        All the fun places are gone: closed or given over to a new owner or gone due to lack of interest or a developer bought the site.

        These were “over 30 adults only” clubs — what clubs are left are for the young 20s/late 20s amateur night drinking crowd. Definitely not for us.

        1. Sounds like these singles groups I used to attend with a male friend. I wasn’t looking for anyone back then but he was and he would get discouraged with the people. Even though I wasn’t technically looking if I had met someone I like that would have changed. I met a lot of nice guys but I was 21 or so and most of these guys were 30’s at least or older and I didn’t want a guy old enough (or close enough)to be my dad. I assume a lot of these men are still doing these singles groups.

          Strangely I had a guy flirt with me at church the other day. It was strange because I wanted only to get home out of the heavy snow (I sang that day)so having a guy chat with me was weird. Many people there chat with me, that’s not weird. What is though is this guy kept asking me if he could buy me some communion wafers or if I wanted incense. I have no idea who he is or anything about him but I do know there are apparently a couple of older single (never married)childless men who attend the church so maybe he’s one of them? could also be he was just friendly. When I go next to the church (probably this weekend since CCD was cancelled tomorrow)I’m going to find out who he is and the story. Normally I would say he was being nice but it seemed a bit different.

          1. Way back when when the Me Generation was still joining clubs and groups, church based singles groups used to be pretty happening.

            They’d plan things like day trips to the city, TGIF nights at a local pub or club, bowling, museum visits and the like.

            There used to be a whole “45 Spinners” division — this was the group that was (at the time anyway) under 35. There’d be dances and trips and so forth.

            There was also a hardcore volleyball player bunch — we had volleyball weekly from April until end of October; there was a heavy contingency of people who’d come for volleyball — also spectators — so you’d see at least 40 people show up on a weeknight for volleyball.

            That group is long gone. They wree gone when I stopped attending club activities so that’s wow, way over 15 years ago.

            Those groups seem to have run their course. The Jewish groups seem to be the ones keeping the home fires burning for the singles; there are tons of singles groups for them even still.

            Generation X is not a joining kind of demographic. I suspect Generation Y isn’t also — singles groups that are church-based are going to be a thing of the past.

            I didn’t meet any guys in this one particular group, but it was good for meeting girlfriends. “Indirectly” I more or less met my then-H through one of these groups; I was done with the group (I got bored; it started to be the same activities with the same dull older people and I called it quits) and I still retained my friendships with these other women. 2 of us were out one night on our own and that’s how we met our husbands.

            The group itself was down to an older crowd. The younger members stopped showing up, or did not renew membership so all that was left was a very older bunch of people — way over 60 — who were still in the group. At this point, it’s not for you, you know?

            These much older people are the ones who were in the group for years — they were in their late 50s when I joined and that was in the very early 90s. That’s all the group has dwindled down to: 70+ men and women. Nobody under 50 is going to be very interested in joining a group full of much older people — and from what I have heard, the activities are now mostly dinners, Mass and Brunchs/Dinners or a trip into the city here and there. Forget it. How much of that can ya do?

          1. Internet is one thing — you still need someplace to go on weekends to have some fun. And not everyone likes the internet.

            I don’t get it: lots of people like to dance and listen to music. Yet these clubs seem to be a thing of the past.

            Out here the demographic changed: everything is for the Hispanic crew or the under 30s. How many salsa clubs and amateur drinking night clubs do we need?

            There is still a restaurant that features a cool band on weekends — that’s usually a mixed crowd and sometimes there are even kids there, enjoying the music with their parents. We never met anybody when we went there. We went there as a girls’ night out kind of thing and to get something to eat.

            The only other thing I can suggest is taking lessons or joining a group where you’d meet people with common interests. What about a cancer fundraising group? What about taking martial arts lessons or signing up for country line dancing (if they have it somewhere near you) or something else “group” where it is coed and a mixed crowd?

            That’s another place that is still kind of popular — there is country linedancing during the week at a club not far from here — they have been there for years and it is still a big draw. The same couple that is doing the instruction have been doing it for over 15 years.

            It has a following; people like to go just to get the dance workout.

            This is a club that has always had interesting and fun things to do — on Sunday afternoons there used to be a trivia and games afternoon. They also had swing dance lessons and ballroom dance lessons; no need for a partner — and now I see they are having a paint your own picture night. That sounds like fun….and it is also costly; I just checked the price. Too expensive for me.

            The management is at least making the effort to do something that gets people in there for FUN! That’s what it is supposed to be about: a fun night out.

            What about trivia nights? There are people I know who are married and go with their girlfriends, just to play the trivia games on Wednesdays.

            For us, it is tougher: we are over 50. The thought of a younger guy? Not for me. And the thought of a guy older than 60 kind of skeeves me out.

            As for me, I am keeping my sanity with art. That’s my way to blow off steam. I plan on exhibiting more this year.

  2. It’s one reason I gave up the idea of being a teacher because I see a lot of unemployed teachers and going back to school for 1-2 years to be a teacher only to be unemployed seems like a waste of time.

    A guy I know who is about 26 still has not found a teaching position. That was his major.

    We are swamped in this state with unemployed teachers. And many of them have advanced degrees; they can find nothing.

    Everybody wants to jump on the bandwagon because of the bulletproof job and fantastical benefits in this state. it’s the life of reilly; there are 3 people I went to high school with who are making well over 150K a year at this point! They didn’t even GO to a top college!

    I majored in the wrong damn thing. When I found out what a tech actually made when I was in that school of med tech: I needed to round up the wagons and find another way to make a living!

    1. Here we have a lot of unemployed teachers. When I went to school to talk about being admitted into the teaching program the guy admitted most of their most recent graduates were still unemployed. Of course once you get a teaching job and become tenured then it gets good but who knows it that will happen?

      1. There were a couple of programs here where the premise was this: You got into their program, you had a 6 month classroom period and then they actually GOT you a job teaching.

        Big catch: The teaching jobs were in Elizabeth, Paterson and Newark.

        That is where the crime is off the hook and the schools STINK.

        You had to pass PRAXIS first…

        AND you had to INTERVIEW to get in.

        The second I heard “INTERVIEW” I decided no.

        THe second program was limited to about20 people. You were guaranteed a teaching job…AND a 30 grand stipend so that you could get paid while you learned.

        I will bet you that every one of these spots went to somebody’s constituent. NOT to a nobody like me or you.

        I wonder how many of these people lasted in those schools? I am guessing not many at all. They were probably dropping like flies 2 marking periods in.

        1. Yeah they have a program like that here where the state will pay for you to be a teacher but the kicker is when you finish you have to teach in one of the inner city ghetto schools for several years. As you probably know the inner city of Chicago is extremely dangerous and people get killed there everyday. Not to mention the parents (well usually a single mom on drugs)often don’t care if their kids even go to school. When I heard that I said no because I would end up either dead or deal with gangs and things I don’t want to for the low salary (in Illinois the higher income schools pay more).

  3. How many teachers are killed annually? I’d expect the security guards who are in many schools to be of some help to keep the teachers safer. If they have to offer incentives to get people to teach at a school, it’s going to suck, but then you serve your indenture and you are a fully-credentialed teacher who can get a job anywhere.

    Dude, have you contacted vocational services in New Jersey? Your medical problems may qualify you for educational assistance.

      1. Let’s not get startied on the ones who know somebody to get a teaching job.

        NWP and all of us on this board can run circles around these “teachers.” Yet they’re the ones with the teaching jobs and….well, then there’s us.:(

        1. It’s not just teaching jobs but really almost any job. I know the dumbest people and none of them have been unemployed for long. Many of them have degrees and professional jobs and yet are still employed, like the son of my parent’s former friends. He barely graduated college because he was drinking most of the time yet he is a manager at a pr firm.

  4. I tried vocational services.

    This was about 3 years ago. I figured what with the chronic illness I have they might be able to find me some type of job.

    They are bare bones vocations over there. They told me to come in for testing. What the test consisted of was a rudimentary skill test — to see if you could put a peg into a hole on cue.

    What did I sign up for???

    I called the woman in charge of the department aside and told her that the test, and the department, was nto for me.

    She got kind of insulted.

    There is no educational assistance for those with chronic illnesses — and even so, it’s the same ole problem:

    WHAT can we go to school for where there is an actual job awaiting us upon completion?

    Everything now is “you need a degree in this” or “a certificate in that” before you are hired…and that’s if you get hired at all.

    It is all moneymaking and a scheme to make the schools greener while we bide our time in a classroom.

    I will keep trying and keep praying. Something’s got to give.

    I do not know when the trial/hearing is with bro. If I hear nothing by next Wednesday I am going to ask my atty.

    1. I have been following your situation and all I can say is good luck and I will pray for you.

      I wish I knew what the answer was with jobs because we shouldn’t all be unemployed. The people I know unemployed are all educated, it used to be the uneducated who were unemployable. I tried the job center (one stop I think it’s called)in my county and they told me I would have to attend computer classes everyday for a month or so and then POSSIBLY I would have a job. The problem though is the classes were 45 minutes from me, costing me gas money and they were already things I knew. Then after this I might get training in things like nursing assistant or teaching assistant. Notice I didn’t say teacher or nurse? they weren’t paying for 4 year school. That is assuming I got hired but many of these employers would bypass me because of my education.

      1. Thanks for the kind words. Something has to give. I really don’t even know what to say anymore and I don’t know if I even have any tears left anymore. All I know is something has to give. Enough is enough.

        Nursing assistants used to be called orderlies or ward clerks.

        Ah, those were the days.

        Nursing students usually took those jobs. Not glamorous but you got some experience on the floor and you also got names to use as references.

        You also were able to make enough money during the entire summer to pay for your school for the next couple semesters!

        These jobs were also handy for students who were in optometry/podiatry/dentistry or some other higher education health science school. Spending money plus it is something practical to do. (So was a pharmacy tech — good for students in pharmacy school or thinking about going TO one)

        Now it’s a CNA…and now it’s Take a Test To Get Certified.

        Take it from somebody who has been in the medical field: you do not need a fartsy artsy “test” to certify people for the most rudimentary of allied health gigs.

        1. Not many years ago those jobs were considered unskilled and they trained on the job. I remember many people getting those jobs easily but now they require to take classes. This is the truth on many jobs now.

          1. Unskilled???

            Geez, I guess that allied health professionals are “unskilled.”

            A phlebotomist never was a king’s ransom in pay but it was a fairly decent living. You got to meet all kinds of people and I always thought drawing blood was one of the fun parts of the job — just for the people contact.

  5. I don’t know much about being a phlebotomist but some of the jobs like nursing assistant were trained on the job, though there isn’t much to learn about emptying bed pans. Now they require you to take classes to become certified. Also, not long ago the pay was actually decent and I would have considered if I could handle body fluids. Now though because of the influx of immigrants doing the job it requires certification and low pay.

  6. Luckily I’m not 50 but I do fear being older and alone. When I did online dating I either was approached by much older men, much younger, dads and perverts. The few never married childless men I met didn’t like me or I didn’t like them. I am considering going out and doing more things (I do a lot of volunteering in this town)but not until the spring because I have a weak immune system and can’t be out long in cold winter weather.

    1. This is tough sledding for you.

      I can’t name very many “single single” men over 40. Unless you want to count my dumb brother and his 2 buddies. Ha; that sez a lot.

      And guys just are not into going to church. I don’t know what that’s about — I only recall one “single single” guy who attended church at my parish; he disappeared after awhile; I think he moved away.

      The single guys we had in the Catholic club I belonged to were not into dating at all. And the very few guys who came “in” and wanted to join in order to meet and marry were even stranger — they were in too much of a hurry to find a wife and that is scary enough as it is. Who wants to date anybody who is in a hurry to get married???

      Most of the guys already in the group were still living with their parents. Is this a prospect for marriage? Nope. Not in my opinion.

      There was another couple who were sort of “going together”. They were together for years.

      He lived with his elderly parents and she with hers. The premise was they couldn’t marry because their parents needed them.

      Years later, they married. This happened after their parents were already gone.

      “The jury is out” here as far as a canon annulment goes. Seems as though the ones with the money obtain it quickly and the poor schmoes that have none wait for years — and after that, it may be too late for the couple to have kids.

      And the person who is divorced may not want to admit to an “authority” why the marriage ended: maybe ther spouse was gay or something else horrific or mortifying happened where it may be considered none of anyone’s business at all. Divorces occurred in Biblical times and I’m sure they were nothing like the whole canon annulment process.

      Suppose you and your spouse merely drifted apart and that’s why you are divorced and that’s all there is to explain: how long do you chase a canon annulment for a reason like that? It could be forever.

      At this point, a couple will probably go to another denomination, have some other type of person officiate the marriage or get a “rent a priest” and have the wedding that way.

      (This is another reason why I don’t attend a Catholic church anymore; I felt like an outcast and a tenth wheel; I’m divorced. Why is that a crime?)

      I always say let God be the judge and jury, not people.

      1. I know several never married men over 40 and they are a collection of men who never wanted marriage, wanted it but never happened, were too into their career or life (including taking care of parents) or messed up mentally or physically. Ironically most of the never married women I know over 40 are more of the career focused and not much else. This has been my experience but the single men over 40 who have been married (especially with kids)are the most messed up. I know a few men who were briefly married in their 20’s and they ended up married again but the dads who were divorced were the messed up the most. I don’t date dads anyway but have yet to meet one who didn’t have severe issues. I dated a few in my 20’s and they were beyond a doubt the worst of the worst. They weren’t mean guys like some of my boyfriends but terribly selfish and expected me to cater to them and their kids. No thanks.

        I have mixed views on divorce. I can see divorce in instances like adultery or abuse, but many other reasons I don’t, especially if there are kids involved. This comes from my experience but most of the parents I have known who got divorced did so for selfish reasons. One guy I very briefly dated got divorced from his wife because she got fat after several kids. There is no way I would have gotten serious about that loser.

        1. Then that clown had a problem.

          He could blow up like blimp, too, so what’s his problem?

          The problem is finding an eligible guy and making yourself eligible — you seem to be interested in the guys who are simply not prospects, like Fred.

          The easiest way out of this would be if you knew somebody and knew them well enough to introduce you to somebody datable. Too bad there’s not a neighbor or a family friend or somebody you know through one of your groups who maybe knows a guy you’d be interested in.

          Does your local paper have a “meet up” page? We used to have a Community section of our paper that listed “Things To Do” and they were activities for singles.

          What about you? Are you a sports fan?

          What about going down to a sports bar on Sunday and sitting at the bar, ordering something to eat and watching the game? Those places usually are packed with guys who are there to do the same thing: watch the game.:)

          Maybe one of those gents would be kind enough to teach you the ins and outs of football, baseball, basketball or whatever applies.:)

          1. At this point I’ve pretty much given up on Fred, which is sad because he is what I want (never married, childless and Catholic)but also what I don’t want (an alcoholic mama’s boy). I keep hoping in time he goes for counseling and is ready to commit but my last boyfriend was similar to that and he left me. I know several people who have said they could match me up with men but all of these men had kids and I will not budge on that (and to be blunt I really believe in most cases the dad and mom should be together when the kids are young). I am serious about this to the point I would rather be alone than with a guy like this. There are still men out there that fit what I like but aren’t online so I want to join some sports league when the weather gets better. Bot big on watching sports and generally speaking the men I don’t like tend to be sports fans (as in they tend to be fat and that’s not my type of man at all). I like nerdy types. Ironically I had a guy hit on me at church and am going to figure out who he is and whether he is interested, and is available and what I want.

  7. An alcoholic?

    That’s already a dealbreaker and you don’t even HAVE the “deal.”

    Anybody from AA will tell you that he has to get help for himself — there has to be a rock bottom moment and if there isn’t one, nothing he or anyone can do.

    Try some counseling. You said you’ve had mean boyfriends and that your last boyfriend was similar to Fred — why do you keep chasing the same broken down ambulance??? These guys aren’t for you!

    break the pattern; find out how to tell jerks like these to take a flying one.
    when you do, you’ll never bother with somebody like that again.

    1. He’s not a jerk just messed up and I am not dealing with him until he gets help.

      Then you will possibly wait indefinitely. Or maybe even wait forever.

      My ex wasn’t an alcoholic but a mama’s boy and the reason both attracted me was because they weren’t the type of guys who sleep around. The reason I had a few mean boyfriends in the past was because the guys I liked never liked me. Why didn’t they? no idea since I was pretty and should have had my choice of men.

      I’m going to talk to you like a Dutch uncle. You’re probably not going to like it but here goes:

      The chance IS indeed strong that he may not get to AA and/or a drug and alcohol counselor at all. You need to not speak to him any more — cheez, even if he got clean, he would need a good year and a half or so of sobriety before you could even think of contacting him again.

      And if he ever gets into recovery, it is a day to day struggle to stay sober. He is one step away from being a boozehound and drunk again.

      And family and loved ones and spouses will be part of the daily struggle with the alcoholic in recovery. It’s a literal mine field and a day by day struggle for them also.

      If he is actively drinking, I am surprised he has not lost his business — happened to a guy we knew: business owner and his booze problem ended his business. he ran a small pet shop.

      Cross him off your list. He hasn’t got a snowball’s chance in hell unless he gets to AA and gets a sponsor. And no doubt he’s got, or is liable to have, tons of alcohol-related health problems. His liver is shot or will be; he’s got a mental issue, too, I will bet — or will have one — due to the drinking and there’s a myriad of other health problems he will get.

      We know of a guy who died before age 45 — drank himself to death. They hospitalized him and he bled to death, gastrically. ANother guy was dead by 55 — he was clean for a number of years but the drinking already took its toll. Kidney failure and he also had a nice case of diabetes.

      And don’t ask what it does to the spouse and the kids — you predispose the kids to addictions. If not alcohol or drugs, overeating, overweight, gambling, shopping, sex or anything else where an addiction can occur.

      And a drunk parent is NO parent at all. No kid needs to be brought up in a home where one or both parents are drunks.

      And he has proven himself to be NOT interested in…anybody at all. WHY do you want to set your cap for somebody not available to you?

      You’ve gotten into a pattern — disturbing because these guys aren’t worth your little toe. These guys are worth shit, period.

      Your thinking is all kinds of wrong. And until you realize that these guys are wrong for you and something in your mindset is more or less attracting them, you’re going to get the same kind of lemons. Get a therapist — you’ll get the same type of guy over and over again.

      And you and I have seen it up close and personal: the doggiest of women seem to have the nicest looking guys. Looks aren’t everything — same goes for guys.

      The handsome ones don’t always get the best looking women — and sometimes the “uglies” get the foxes!

      I told you about the workmate that my brother had a number of years ago.

      Steve had a congenital jaw defect and was about 5 feet and 100 pounds — and he never had a lack of nice looking ladies in tow. Every girlfriend he had was more attractive than the other.

      Steve was also one of the nicest guys I ever met. It is all about self confidence! That’s where it’s at, to me.

      And there was this guy I worked with years ago who was indeed a funny looking little thing…again: a great guy, real nice, heck of a sense of humor. More self confidence and a hell of a funny funny guy. Everybody loved Jerry.

      I know people with cleft palates — they do not want the surgery. They’re intelligent and happy and successful and their “defect” doesn’t take away from them.

      I have more than a few friends who are very overweight — I don’t see a “fat Janice” — I see only Janice; know what I mean?

      They are also happy and either married or engaged. The guys they are married or engaged to? Nice looking guys who don’t care that their ladies are a super plus size.

      Looks and size are NOT everything.

      I ain’t no big hub of dating myself and I ain’t the most popular chick in the state but geez….you deserve much better than this.

      Maybe you ought to consider calling a moratorium on men in general. Go do things with your girlfriends, sign up for things in your church — what about being a home Eucharistic minister? Join the church choir — I was in it; it’s fun. We used to sing at 10:30 Mass; we usually rehearsed for 2 hours each Wednesday.

      Older people tend to join choirs — you never know. You might even hook up with a job prospect or 2.

      Moratorium on men, period. Looks like the pickins are worse than slim anyways.

      Get rid of this mindset and get this pattern broken. Life is way too short to be lived like this. Who the tully needs a mean guy, a drunk, a guy who not available or a guy who cannot put you first in a relationship??

      The problem is most guys that are older are messed up whether they are never married, divorced or have kids. If I met a decent childless man who was religious and wanted a relationship tomorrow I would marry him in a heartbeat even if I didn’t love him.

      Again, wow — this is wrong thinking! Who is going to marry into a loveless marriage?

      Stop and think: Why do you want this? out of loneliness???

      You will wind up resenting him and wonder “Why did I waste my time?” Nothing at all is here for me” and worse.

      Btw I do have one ex who I think the world of. He is now happily married and we broke up because of various religious differences.

      My parents are of 2 different religious backgrounds: Catholic and Russian Orthodox.

      Mixed marriages are now the norm. There are Jews that marry non-Jews; they coexist! both varieties of holidays are celebrated! So long as you know what you’re “up against” before you are married and you discuss religious differences and BEFORE you are married, there is a clear path the both of you will take regarding how and what holidays will be observed, how to raise the kids in what religion (Jewish or other or maybe not at all; let the child choose when he is older and knows what religion is about!) there should be no problems or very minimal ones that can be resolved quickly.

      I’m talking to you like a dutch uncle: your thinking is skewed and wow, all over the place. It’a not healthy for you, or wise: mean?? Want one of these creeps to decimate your self esteem or physically harm you? Stay away from these losers!

      Get yourself a therapist and breat these patterns. It also isn’t 1960 anymore; you can marry anybody of any religion at all!

      A girlfriend of mine is in the same boat as you: she is insisting that the guy she wants to date and marry needs to be a never married Catholic male. Nothing is panning out; she’s a tad older than you are.

      You’re cutting yourself off from a world of happiness. Consider somebody Lutheran, Episcopalian, Methodist, etc. You can still observe and go to Mass — it’s not a sin to marry somebody of another religion. Would it be okay with you if he was observant in his religion?

      Say no to a very different culture. The Hispanics, the Middle Easterns and most of south Europe tend to have an “our mother comes first” mindset. Normal for them but not for us. Forget it.

      If you insist on only a never married Catholic, your selection will get progressively smaller with age. Very few guys I know are over 40, never married and devout Catholics.

      Consider dating gents that are not Catholic. TRY dating a gent that isn’t Catholic. You might be very pleased and surprised!

      If you’re having trouble with this concept — *oh, he is out of my religion* — talk to a “cool” minister in some other denomination; a younger minister and not some ole fart still living in the Reformation Age….And remebver, they do have co-officiated weddings in the RCC. The only catch: you cannot celebrate the marriage at “his” church — I think it has to do with the presence of the Eucharist — it’s just not done. It also can’t be a Mass; it has to be the ceremony only. (You could go to an early Mass at some other church on the day of and receive Communion then) — and here is another thing:

      It depends on who you know and talk to!;)

      My parents got married in 1955. They had a full Nuptial Mass: they knew the priest who was marrying them. Back then, everyone knew everyone in the neighborhood. They got to go behind the altar which was definitely not permissible back then for an interfaith wedding, if you recall, — and you know how fussy and touchy the RCC and RO is still about the schism.;)

      Single single men over a certain age also do not marry. That’s how it is; whether they like to be single or they are set in their ways, something is in the mix — and I am sure these guys are full of sexually-related problems, too: women who marry them usually wind up with a marriage that is unhealthy in that dynamic. The guys are just not into sex or they have a full blown hangup or something.

      I’m not saying that you need to marry some guy with the morals of an alleycat, but wow — you want a healthy dynamic.

      And give thought to dating the guys who are just a little bit homely, or a tad hefty or a tad skinny or just a “little too short” — and consider the guys who are not considered to be calendar art types.:) Look for kindness and self confidence and a guy who has a life!!! You don’t want a mental couch potato; you don’t want somebody who has no interests and you sure don’t want somebody whose hobby is heavily drinking or being mean to other people.

      Get away from the losers and jerks once and for all. Give consideration to therapy for yourself. Break the pattern.

  8. At this point I’ve pretty much given up on Fred, which is sad because he is what I want (never married, childless and Catholic)but also what I don’t want (an alcoholic mama’s boy).

    Why do you want somebody like this??? An alcoholic is asking for trouble and you want a guy who can stand on his own 2 feet.

    I keep hoping in time he goes for counseling and is ready to commit but my last boyfriend was similar to that and he left me. I know several people who have said they could match me up with men but all of these men had kids and I will not budge on that (and to be blunt I really believe in most cases the dad and mom should be together when the kids are young). I am serious about this to the point I would rather be alone than with a guy like this. There are still men out there that fit what I like but aren’t online so I want to join some sports league when the weather gets better. Bot big on watching sports and generally speaking the men I don’t like tend to be sports fans (as in they tend to be fat and that’s not my type of man at all). I like nerdy types. Ironically I had a guy hit on me at church and am going to figure out who he is and whether he is interested, and is available and what I want.

  9. I don’t care if a man isn’t Catholic but does need to be Christian or Jewish (sorry, atheists, Muslims and Hindus don’t do it for me). I would consider a short or chubby guy (both fit Fred) or someone not that attractive (also Fred). Why did I like Fred? because Fred is a very nice guy. Outside of his drinking he is a good guy who would do anything for anyone. However his drinking is out of control.

    My exboyfriend that I broke up with due to religious aspects had to do with the fact he wanted a woman he married to become Southern Baptist and raise kids as such. That was a problem with me and we agreed we were better as friends. I still talk to him.

    Ironically I am in choir at church and a cantor. I also teach there and very involved. Same with the American Legion.

    1. YOu want a guy whose religion has a common denominator. And I am not nuts about dating an atheist. That’s not for me.

      Nobody at the American Legion has a nephew or some other youngish relative that is looking for a nice girl? Too bad.

      I don’t know of any fat sports fans. (A guy I know made a lot of good friends that way; he was a regular at this friendly little bar and grill and that’s where he met his friends; they went on vacations together and did a lot of things as a group. These people were not drinkers; they just wanted somewhere to go where they’d see a friendly face and maybe see a game or 3 in the bargan)

      It’s a matter of going where the guys are. The guys aren’t going to things like a Catholic singles group (and as I said, most of the men are way over 50 and still live with parents and are cheap as all get out. Not a healthy dynamic) or a wine tasting for singles. Thtat’s something geared to women only.

      1. Sadly I don’t think so. I have heard there are a few men in their late 30’s who attend the same church as me (a bit younger than me but not much)but haven’t come across them at all. There are many single never married or divorced without kids at the legion but most of them are alcoholics with several DUI’s. They make Fred look like a teetotaler. I ask people if they know people interested in dating and many who know Fred mention him saying we make a great couple. We do, but to him he’s not interested.

        Yes most of the sports fan I know are obese. Remember the Superfans skit on SNL many years ago? That’s what I see in sports bars.

  10. IF I’m going to make a change in my life, I want to feel as if I am better off for having made the change than if I stay where I am. For a lot of the never-married, in whose ranks I am a member, staying unmarried is the best that they will do.

    There’s a saying that you can shear a sheep many times, but skin it only once. Maybe online dating would be a more pleasant thing if people got ratings like sellers on eBay, but then there is nothing to prevent people from starting another profile.

    Fred sounds a lot like Jim, a classmate of mine in high school. In his mid-fifties, he still lives with his mother, and has banked 30-odd years of his salary because his mother pays for all of his expenses, even gas for his car. He was just terminated from his job in the accounting department of some company because it was bought out, but the termination package is worth a year of salary. Fred and Jim both have their enablers, and you can’t compete with that.

    1. One of the reasons I refuse to settle is then I will be worse off. This is why I’ll never date a man with kids because it adds to my stress and financial issues. Fred is a good guy despite all his faults, something you don’t see that much which is why I like him. I did the online thing and the guys on those really are scraping the bottom of the barrel, like men with multiple baby mamas they didn’t marry.

      1. As you have described yourself, you trade on your looks to a significant degree, and that is a declining asset over time. Being unemployed doesn’t help either. It might be worthwhile to do a thought experiment for the conditions under which you would consider a man who already has a child, such as one who is earning a significant income, and who is widowed to take away the in-law drama.

        It’s also helpful to consider what you will do as well as what you don’t want to do. You constrain your job search by looking only at local opportunities, of which there seem to be few. I was shocked when you told me that you would not spend the money to a trip to the new employment location for a drug test if that was that last step to getting the job, in the sense that you had to pass the drug test to get the final offer. That is how we do hiring where I work, and in past jobs that I have held in the chemical industry. Show up at 6:30 a.m. for employee orientation, pass the drug test that is given around 7:30 a.m., pass the annual random drug test, take any training required for the job during duty hours, and you have about eight years of employment plus outplacement and relocation to the next location.

        Fred might be a nice guy, but he doesn’t seem to have the gumption to ask you for a date, and contents himself with seeing you when he sees you at the American Legion or wherever. If you are used to not having to worry about bills, it’s hard to put yourself in a position where you would have to worry about them. It is not as if Mother Fred is urging him on to change.

        1. Guys like Fred use women for free entertainment.

          I’ve seen this a million times when I was still with the club. Forget it. Time is still money, so to speak. Why should you waste your time talking to him all night? It’s progressing into nothing. Don’t fish where the fishing isn’t good.

          I still can’t figure out why you want somebody so unsuitable and unavailable. And alcoholics are rarely “nice.” Somebody’s income or savings is being given to the barman, in every case where an alcoholic is involved.

          Again, don’t fish where the fishing isn’t good.

          Here’s something you might want to do: Why don’t you approach your pastor and say you’d like to put together something for singles between the ages of 25 and 50? You could run a weekly game night; admission would be a bag of munchies and a liter of a soft drink.

          Maybe it could progress into a full fledged club. What do you think?

          It would also attract singles from surrounding churches. Maybe send a flier to the local parishes and tell them to post it.

          1. I spoke to the person in charge of the diocese about a singles group for older singles and he said he doesn’t think it will work. By now most of the older singles are either married or stopped looking (or never did)so he doesn’t think it would work. I did hear of one singles group about a half hour hour so when the weather gets better I’m going to check it out. I did go to a few but nothing happened.

            The reason I want Fred is he is a nice guy and I really like him as a friend if nothing else. He isn’t a mean drunk (dealt with those).

        2. No I won’t pay for a drug test because a) can’t afford it, and b) if they wanted to hire me they should pay. I would travel for a job but they would have to pay for that travel. I’m not spending hundreds of dollars for a wild goose chase. I live 40 miles from a major city and I try jobs there and yes I try any kinds of jobs that would be worth the travel if I have to take the train or if they are close by I can work much cheaper. I am looking into school because that seems my only choice now.

          The only men I would date with kids are those widowed or adopted as a single dad and those would have to be amazing men in all respects. Otherwise, no not interested in dads at all.

          1. THEY should be paying for the drug testing. Never heard of a potential employee having to pay for it.

            There are companies that relocate the employee also. I believe at the end of the year you can also deduct it from your taxes.

            Why not ask if you can TRY the games night. Other parishes can be invited; single people are usually looking for something to do during a weeknight.

  11. Sadly I have. I went for an interview and they wanted me to go take a drug test then they “might” offer me the job. I said nope because I am not paying for the chance, a chance I probably had little chance of getting. I did have a few online interviews via Skype for jobs in other states but never got one. This is technically another state, but I’ve had interviews in Indiana and drove there because Indiana is less than a half hour away.

    I’m going to ask about the game night but I know to include other churches you need to ask the person in charge of singles in the diocese and he may not agree because it might cost money. There are not enough singles in this church to do it.

    1. It would cost nothing. The only “rule” is bring a liter of soda or a bag of munchies.

      Open it to other parishes. don’t you have a meet up section of your daily newspaper? usually there’s a “things to do” section; usually the announcements in it are for free to the organization running the event.

    2. The usual situation where I work is that the job offer is subject to the new hire passing the drug test, which is given on the first day of new employee orientation. You have the job and know your salary and position; all that you can do is mess it up by failing the test, as at least a couple of people do every year. This is the situation to which I have been referring all along. This doesn’t seem to be an option in your area. They want you to pass the drug test before making a final offer. I do agree that the prospective employer should pay for the drug test, and if a physical is required. I also believe that if a company is going to hire 10 people over the course of the year, no more than 15 drug tests should be given, and preferably a number MUCH closer to 10, The purpose isn’t to build a pool of drug-free candidates.

      I’ve had two jobs where the offer of employment was subject to passing the drug test. In one case, I didn’t see a bill for the drug test. With my current job, I had to pay for it more due to incompetence of human resources than any other reason. I pointed out to the doctor that they had not put the drug test on my paperwork, and from having worked in the industry before, I would need to be tested for whatever the standard drug panel is, and so I was billed for the test.

      1. I don’t mind taking a drug test, I just will not take one and pay for it until I have the offer. The ones I am talking about wanted me to pay for it before I was hired.

  12. I’m going to ask them at church about doing that but will have to get permission. They do have a singles group at the church but most are in their 20’s.

  13. Someplace somewhere there has to be a suitable activity for you where there aren’t a lot of old fuddy duddies or overcrowded with nothing but much younger people.

    1. Right now I’m not doing anything because winter is brutal and I can’t handle going out too much in it. In the spring I’ll look into going somewhere. Also checking into going back to school (including a work study program)so if that’s the case that will be more important than anything else.

  14. You can’t hurry this.

    If you date a guy with a “I want to be married” vibe, you know the guy is going to pick up on this and clear out in a hurry.

    If you go someplace with a “I want to be married” vibe it is going to be the same.

    All of this takes time. I am divorced. And as such, I would NOT suggest any type of engagement until the 2 of you have discussed everything and have done so thoroughly — and only if every single solution or decision is to your liking.

    You can’t have 2 ways about this.

    You need to ask him about:

    Money – how it’s saved and spent right now, has he got a retirement fund, has he got an emergency fund, how you and he will save and spend your money after you’re married — has he got any debts, what assets has he got, if he’s got debt how was it accrued…and how does he plan on settling that debt BEFORE you are married.

    Look at his spending and saving habits.

    Another thing to discuss: Suppose you do not wish to work after you marry him — is he okay with that? Can he afford “you” on a one-income family — same goes for what happens if you can’t work after marriage for another type of reason. Can he afford to support the both of you with no problem?

    Religion — what religions the kids will be, if any, how you will celebrate the holidays after you’re married (if there’s some type of dynamic involved where the person’s non-Christian)

    His health: yep, that too! What health he is in right now, what diseases run in his family, how he plans on maintaining his health, has he got a good and healthy lifestyle, what type of health insurance coverage has he got, what are his snack eating habits and alcohol consumption habits.

    Family — if you both want kids and there are none right now, how do you plan on accruing a family?

    Adoptions in foreign countries got tighter and more strict; there are countries that will not permit Americans to come there and adopt. And IVF and other assisted methods? Way off the hook in price and it is not guaranteed to work first round.

    And if there is a pesky brother problem, sister problem or parent problem on “his” half? You’ll have to cope with that, too. You don’t want a nuts immediate family — I went through that and don’t ask me what that is like.

    Where you’ll be living — make sure you both agree on this, also.

    This is only part of it. (and personally, I would not remarry unless I live with the guy first.). Accept no substitutes, as they say.

    1. Well once I find a job I do not plan to quit it if I got married. Not interested in being the little wife at home. I’ll date guys but no I’m not desperate to marry. On the other hand not interested in dating a guy in a going nowhere relationship, not my thing.

  15. No offense but pretty much your entire thread has reflected you’re in rather of a hurry to marry. You yourself stated you’d marry into a loveless marriage. I still can’t see the sense in that or why you’d want to do it at all.

    And Fred was as “going nowhere” as it got. A full grown man who stares at you, really? Kind of immature and well, odd.

    Do not fish where the fishin’ isn’t good.

    Make a BM or get off the pot. Where I come from, if a guy is interested in you he will not waste any time; you be he will let you know.

    Put yourself FIRST!!!

    You could also pick up a phone and call an eligible guy and YOU can ask HIM out, you know. This isn’t the 50s anymore; I see nothing wrong with asking a guy out. The worst he can say is no and if it’s no, you move on. it is no big deal.

    You’re not required to marry anybody anymore. There’s no such thing anymore as an “old maid” or a “confirmed bachelor.”

    There are single parent adoptions — for men and for women — and there are single women who patronize a sperm bank and find a donor so they can conceive and have a child; I know a few women who are doing just that: they wish to be a parent and they aren’t going to wait around for a husband.

    Sometimes I think they are doing the smart thing — then again, a kid needs both parents there 24/7 for their formative years but that’s another story. You need both a mother and father as you are growing up. (Maybe my dumbassed brother wouldn’t be in the shape he is in if he had a father to keep his hide in line)

  16. Yes I want marriage but will not settle for someone who doesn’t fit what I desire (in other words a dad). I know if I don’t find someone soon I never will and the idea of being alone does make me crazy and angry. I often ask God why this happened to me because while I am pretty I always seemed to have a hard time getting the men I wanted. Why? not sure actually. Doubt I’ll have kids and not sure if I will adopt either. Not interested in getting pregnant without having a husband and losing interest in having kids at all. Yes I might marry someone I didn’t love just so I wouldn’t be alone but as long as they fit my requirements (as in no kids).

  17. The greatest beauties — and “hunks” that I have known have had the worst luck with the opposite sex.

    And as I said, the mouseburgers I have seen seemed to have their pick of men, in a lot of cases. Same goes for the guys where you’d go “ugh. what does she see in him????”

    I think it is all the luck of the draw.

    Back to the drawing board: what about karaoke nights? you could go alone; lots of the karaoke nights have a following; you’ll get to know the people who are there. It’ll be something fun to do; lots of us have gone to karaoke as a group for the fun of it.

    1. I may do that when the weather warms. I can’t be out long in this weather because of my immune issues. Once spring happens I am getting out there more and seeing what I find.

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