So a new year and with it a new start. However the cynical in me feels it will be another same old and next year at this time I will be as miserable as ever, assuming I am still alive.
What do I wish for in the new year? the same things I wished for last year and the year before and before that and so on. My needs seem to be simple but apparently they aren’t. They are to find a decent job and a decent boyfriend who will become a decent husband. However I am wondering if I will ever get either again and fear a lifetime of never working or dating again. It goes without saying if I knew this was my future I wouldn’t hesitate to kill myself but I keep hoping I’ll get one of them, though why I don’t deserve both is something I don’t get.
When it comes to dating I have always been a failure at this. I have no idea why since I am pretty and seem like I would have many men fall for me. Oh I get lots of male attention even now, though 90% of the men are not acceptable to me. Most seem to either be much older or are dads. Divorced or never married dads are completely yucky to me on so many levels and knowing a man had a kid makes me vomit. Not that I have much money now but do not want to help support his kids or deal with his drama when he should have stayed married. That is my other point, I am devoutly Catholic and could never marry a divorced dad in church unless he got an annulment. However since I believe parents should stick together in most cases I don’t want a divorced dad even if he got an annulment. Never married dads to me have no morals in most cases because to me having kids out of wedlock is a sin. I know society tells us marriage doesn’t matter when it comes to kids but I firmly believe it does.
There are other men out there not dads but for some reason I can’t seem to get them interested in me. I posted a profile and several dating sites and got many responses, including from many childless men but not many interest me at all. When I did online last time I failed miserably and while I met several guys none became boyfriends. Then again even if I was to meet a great guy my type, I am hung up on a guy who right now isn’t interested in dating. As it turns out he does fit what I want but is fighting an alcohol problem and dealing with a host of other issues, including an elderly mom and running a store. We are just friends now, and I can’t help but hope maybe eventually he will fight his issues and want to be with me. He does like me as does his mom (in fact his mom said she would like to get together with me and do activities like go to the ballet). Maybe we will just be friends and I will meet a guy fitting what I desire through other venues.
While I have always been a failure at dating, not so when it comes to working. Until this last spell of unemployment I never had a problem finding a job. In fact people often offered me jobs off the bat. In my 20’s I had the perfect job as a model and it was great making lots of money for a job that wasn’t hard to do though could get boring at times. Once I started working in corporate jobs I always managed to find good ones with benefits. However now finding a decent job with benefits is hard, even though I have skills and education and experience. In this situation I know I am far from alone.
I am considering going back to school to become a massage therapist. A local community college has a year program after after you take the test to become licensed. I see from browsing various sites that there is a demand for this. The only problem is that it seems to be a lot of working for one’s self which is good and bad. Good because I can make my own hours, but bad because it could be unstable work. That scares me, that I’ll go back to school and be in the same situation. It’s one reason I gave up the idea of being a teacher because I see a lot of unemployed teachers and going back to school for 1-2 years to be a teacher only to be unemployed seems like a waste of time. However I have always loved school and outside of the money situation I would keep going if given the chance. I take online classes all the time through the library.
So will next year I sit here unemployed and single or will I be employed and with a man? time will tell and I will revisit this next year.