When one loses hope forever

I am feeling down tonight but no I am not suicidal. In fact this isn’t about me at all but the sad reality of what happens when people lose hope.

On Friday night there was a train crash near my house where someone was killed by a train. I had heard so many rumors about this one from the person was okay to they died to everything in between. I then heard that yes the person was killed but also heard everything from being a kid to an elderly person. Being that this was in town and being there was no car nearby I wondered if I knew this person.  This was on Saturday when I heard about the crash and on Monday I got some horrifying news. Monday night I got an email from the head of the American Legion group I am active in and turns out the guy killed was someone who was active in the group like me. We spent a lot of time together and I really liked him because he was cool. I didn’t agree about his politics (he was still a huge Obama fan)or his religious views (he was atheist)but liked him. Often me, him and Fred A-Stare (I love that)the guy I am interested in would hang out after events.

Turns out what happened (or what I have heard so far)is he was living with his sister because he was long term unemployed and had a hard time finding a job. He did freelance artistic work but couldn’t find a full time job doing this. Him and his sister were fighting and he was planning to move in with Fred and his mother because they have an extra room. However last Friday he got drunk and got into a fight with his sister. He happened to walk outside as the Amtrak rode by and jumped in front of it. For a few days they couldn’t even identify him but eventually they did.

I am stunned even now. When I first heard about this my first thought was about Fred because he has been depressed lately and last week got a DUI. This guy was not the one I would have chosen to do this which makes it worse. I am waiting find out when the funeral is happening and yes I am going. I hope he finds the peace he never found here. I know he was bitter about being unemployed but I figured he would get over it and continue to truck on. Sadly he will never have a chance for things to get better.

6 thoughts on “When one loses hope forever”

  1. One can only guess at the motives of someone who commits suicide, and that’s what really tears up the people who are left behind. I’ve had a sister and two cousins commit suicide. Alcohol was a factor on at least two of the suicides. That he drunk enough to get a DUI speaks to possible issues with impulse control, which is a risk factor for suicide.

    We’ve all had the feeling that we just can’t stand something anymore, and that is often a consideration in suicides. I don’t know the setup of the train tracks, but it could be possible that he fell accidentally. I live in an area where the are a lot of so-called “level grade crossings”, where you might not even have a signal or bars to keep people and vehicles off the tracks. Drunks are actually temporarily deafened by alcohol, so that’s another factor against them in a hazardous situation.

  2. He didn’t get a DUI as far as I know, that was Fred A Stare. He was drinking though and sadly drinking does make one lose inhibitions. I know it’s easy to say now but I wish he had been able to come to someone to tell them. He seemed to have it together but sadly he didn’t. I will miss him so much at the various American Legion events because we had fun together laughing and joking.

  3. This is dreadful.

    So sorry about your friend. This has to be devastating for you.

    Hits so close to home.

    We had a couple of suicides not long ago in our town — both were young and promising people. Nobody knows why either one of them did it.

    There was a guy who was in my brother’s high school class that did it — this was a decade or 2 ago; he hanged himself in his parents’ home. The kid was maybe 21 when it happened.

    My brother was good friends with the guy when they were kids; eventually they grew apart (and the kid became nasty and confrontational toward my brother; we never could figure that one out; the guy spent a LOT of time here when they were kids together)

    There were 4 kids in that family; he had 3 sisters, 2 older and one kid.

    That father did everything for those kids; he worked 3 or 4 jobs — they got drum lessons, piano lessons, violin lessons, everything that they needed to be on that marching squad (the sisters were members of the high school color guard) — fancy school jacket, you name it — karate lessons also and a slew of other things. YOu can’t say it was neglect at home. Who knows what happened to Jimmy?

    And somebody we knew at a distance did it also — got ahold of a gun and shot himself in the head. He was very young, maybe 20 when this happened; they said he was upset about a girl breaking off with him.

    Not normal behavior. All of us know that 20 is a ripe age and “optimal” age for having your heart broken; it’s almost like a national law that it happens to each one of us. And you’ll have it broken a few times while you are still young. It’s a requisite.

    There was a county prosecutor who was found dead: a suicide. Nobody knows why he did it, either. THis happened a couple of weeks ago.

  4. I read your post just after finishing my own post about losing a friend, although under different circumstances. I’m terribly sorry about what happened. What’s especially sad about suicide is that the rest of us can see the way forward, while the victim is often overtaken by the emotional upheaval of the moment.

  5. Thanks for the well wishes. I am upset about this even though we didn’t know each other long. In fact he was kind of standoffish which the minister mentioned. Great guy though and I am happy to have known him though am sad he had to die this way. The service was longer than I assumed (an hour)and am glad I went though it was long. Strangely Fred (the guy I like)came in but didn’t say anything to me and left before the service finishes because he had to get back to his store. That kind of made me upset because I really wanted to talk to him and I started thinking he disliked me or something which then made me more upset. I was over reacting but I really hate feeling like that.

    Anyway getting back to the guy who died many mentioned liked him but he never allowed people to get close which was sad. Had he done that maybe he would be alive today.

    1. Some of us are like that; maybe it was even the way he was raised.

      I am thinking that the prosecutor who died likely as not destroyed any evidence. Nobody will know why he did this.

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