I don’t know where to begin.
I am pretty sure I lost the last friend that I have left.
I have acquaintances a plenty but as I said: my circle of friends has always been small.
I am not sure what happened behind the scenes but I can suspect and surmise.
Hesitant to talk about it because I don’t want to sound trite or like this is a middle school girl’s zone.
Bear with me because all of this is going to sound crazy and maybe even silly but please, this matters to me, so here goes:
Cast of Characters:
Pat – the friend and subject of this gripe
Debbie – former friend I had that ticket mess with back in April
Tina – somebody I parted ways with nearly 4 years ago (she moved away to a town maybe 30 miles from me some dozen years ago and after that, Tina didn’t seem to want to continue the friendship. We more or less grew apart and I sort of lost touch with her. It more or less a became distant acquaintanceship 2 years after she moved away)
Now for the story:
I do not hear from Pat very much. We are not very close friends. We go to a movie every so often or grab coffee but that’s about it. We talk once a week.
The last time I talked to her was a couple of days after that event that happened here on Saturday morning, 3 weeks ago.
She’s got a bad situation with a very ill father. We talked about that 3 weeks ago. I guess I spent maybe an hour and change on the phone with her that day.
I called her that Friday; she did not ring back. I finally reached her on Monday and we spoke briefly. She ended the conversation with “I have to go; I’m waiting to hear back from my mother.” I said goodbye and hung up.
I called there again on Friday of that week, no call back. Ditto for Monday and Wednesday.
There is no way she can be that busy with her father. Something is wrong here and I think I know what it is…get ready, because this is going to sound crazy:
Flashback to last fall. Pat said to me, “How is Debbie?”
I said “Okay, I guess. I talked to her a couple of days ago” and then Pat said, “Does she ever mention Tina? Because Tina hasn’t called me back and I am wondering if she is mad at me…”
I said “Tina?? Debbie and I are out of the loop on that one; we haven’t spoken to her in 3 years…”
Why would she even mention Tina? Pat knew about this mess with Tina when it happened 3 years ago. She knew I was not on speaking terms with Tina. So why is she even asking if Debbie has heard Tina say something about her?
I will bet you any amount of money that during that phone call last fall, Pat accidentally outted Debbie (as well as Tina too) — and Debbie is thick with Tina again and has been since at least the fall.
And now I am wondering if the 2 of them have said God knows what to Pat and now I’ve got Pat leaving me out in the cold. As they say, stranger things have happened.
This no calls back stuff cannot be “because of her father.” My mother was in a hospital and was critical upon arrival; she was gone by Day 12 — I still made time to shop, do laundry and yes, call friends. I even had time to go to my local little mall and buy a few things on winter sale!
Albeit the calls would not consist of a long conversation; I would have a brief conversation or leave a message.
So, no — this is not a “father” thing and no, I do not feel like a guilty little shit for saying it.
Something is weird here.
I don’t have a good feeling about this.
Why am I getting the idea that something happened behind the scenes and Debbie and Tina are involved in this?
Tina and last fall is a whole other story in itself. During that same conversation with Pat last fall, after I made the comment about being out of the loop with Tina, I said “gee, I was not even there at Debbie’s house that nightand I haven’t spoken to Tina in nearly 3 years but come on; that wasn’t right what Tina said about me” to which Pat replied “Tina doesn’t see that the same way.”
WHAT??? You are not even taking my side in this — you are siding with Tina???
I should have known and then and there I should have said, “Pat, listen: you and I cannot be friends right now. I’ve got to go” and hung up.
Maybe I didn’t say that but I did tell Pat about the rotten things that Tina said or did over the years — including how she was taking bets on how long my marriage would last — and how she said to me during the phone call I made, telling her that I and the spouse split up — “Well, if you want to meet a younger guy, I know lots of them. My boyfriend has a lot of friends who are younger guys.” Who the eff says this to somebody who’s poured their heart out and who is in a critical and sad time of their life???
I said exactly that to Pat…
And all she did was listen. No “this is terrible” and “this is not right” — to me, the silence means “I do not agree with you.” Eff that noyze.
I have concluded that Pat accidentally outted Debbie during that phone call last fall and that friendship with Tina is now happening again. Stranger things have happened and you know how secretive Debbie is, from what I told all of you. You think she’s going to tell me that Tina and she are friends again???
I never gave this a thought last fall. What am I supposed to do — read into everything? (and as it is Debbie has a lot of confidential information about me. She’s really pissed at me and I would not put it past her to violate every confidence I disclosed to her)
And even if this is not Tina and Debbie or one of the other… something is terribly wrong here. You do not just stop contacting somebody. I doubt if this is a depression thing or a “I can’t bring myself to call Dude” thing.
And all this time later, Tina — nearly 4 years later — and you, Debbie, four months later — and you still both have your bats on for me and you’re both hell bent for slander and lies and damage???
How sick. How sick and how vile.
I feel just awful. How does one get along without friends? What do I do if I have a real emergency? there is now nobody I can call. What do I do when I need to get something off my chest or if I need to see a friendly face or hear a friendly voice?
I don’t think I am wrong. Something is terribly amiss here — now I have Pat vanishing on me. This is not like her and if I am right — c’mon, there is no such thing as not being able to call somebody sometime — why did she do it this way? She left me hanging with no reason behind it and no closure? Man, I am not even assured of what really DID happen here!!
And you went and you believed all of this — 100% and hook line and sinker — and you don’t even call me and say “Dude, listen; I heard something and I want to know if it is true” and then tell me what you heard???
This is what value I had to you, as a friend.
Has anybody here experienced anything like this? Has anyone been high and dry minus a friend?
Over the last few weeks, I’ve had this odd nagging feeling — I never had a good feeling about Pat during those few weeks. Your gut has a funny way of telling you things. I don’t care how crazy it sounds — somebody somewhere in Pat’s travels had to say something about me and Pat didn’t like what she heard. I suspect strongly it is Tina and/or Debbie.
So this is what you do, you just take off and leave no closure behind it? You accept what you heard and I’m the shithead and culprit? This is what you do to a friend of 18 years?
And whatever it was that was said: how harmful is it to ME??? Suppose somebody said something really lousy that is not even true? This could be bordering on slander and defamation of character.
I thought Pat was so intelligent and so thoughtful. What is going on here? You were with me 1000% of the way all through that garbage with Bro and with me 1000% of the way during this past year that the devil himself sent me — yeah, and you felt oh so bad after my marriage ended —- and you felt oh so bad about my dog and what happened to him…you were allegedly so concerned about my nose bleed that sent me to a hospital and concerned last fall when I mentioned that speeded up heart rate thing to you…
And now all of a sudden, your ass is gone???
Your gut? how do you confront this person? All you have is a nagging bad feeling. Where does this leave you??
Again, this is not a “dad is sick and she has her hands full with him and she cannot call” thing. Gee, her father isn’t even IN a hospital; he is home and they are still contacting physicians over in the city, trying to figure out what to do. My mother was dying in a hospital and I still called Pat and whoever it is that was in my loop!
All of this is enough to make you hate people.
And getting back to Tina: after I was told by Debbie that I was cursed out by Tina and Tina said a lot of rotten things about me, I picked up my phone and uninvited Tina to my art reception. How funny…Tina cared so much about me that she never called me immediately upon hearing the message with “Dude, what happened? You and I are friends; why can’t I come to your reception?”
Considering how undependable and wow, effing queer these 3 have been, this is no loss. I should have gotten rid of Pat, perhaps after that “Tina thinks otherwise” statement. You don’t have my back and you didn’t even say “This is my friend, cut it out”? How the eff old are you, really, Pat? And why is there no solidarity for me? You let her run rampant and ramshackle over me? Why??
We’ve got 2 whole weekends that passed since I spoke to Pat — last weekend and this one — and not one sound out of Pat. Gee, I always thought that if a parent was dying you’d want to turn to your friends — yes I might be putting it in a crass and shitty way — but it is very very odd that I can’t seem to raise her. I cannot be wrong; she’s gone and I have no reason behind any of it.
It’s manipulative and childish and just plain rotten.
You can call on your lunch hour or you can call right before you leave for work — Christ, you can leave a message saying you are okay.
I am upset. Find new friends? that will take awhile. I am nearing 60 so there are not that many meet-up things for people in that age category. I want friends who are intelligent and fun and are not hung up on the adult child/grandma track. I more or less want women and men who are in the same boat as I am — perhaps have the friends as an extended family of sorts.
There is a divorced/widowed group that meets/socializes and is based in a church — I have never had any success with those groups. The people in them seem to be maladjusted and antisocial.
What a rotten 12 months this has been. I was prepared for the fallout with bro — I couldn’t let that garbage continue; that house would have been recalled by the town for nonpayment of taxes; that usually takes 2 or 3 years and this would have been Year 3. So that house would have been gone by now. I at least had the option of getting it sold so it would not be a monetary loss.
I have no human factor at this point. And wow, the last time I saw Pat? My birthday — that was in October. So what did I have here, a phone friend thing? That is awful.
I suggest I not tarry and get out there and start trying to meet people — but this is horrible. HORRID. I feel like I am living inside some kind of Twilight Zone episode or a Lovecraft short story. You don’t even know why this person’s missing in action? And she calls herself a good Catholic? To the devil with her; you ain’t worth SHIT to me, lady.
You are up the creek with no paddle. There is no way you can ask this person what happened. I do not cross paths with her. T here’s not even a group we meet at or some common point where I’d encounter her fairly often where I would be able to say to her “Pat, what’s going on? where have you been?” I’m STUCK. and this MIA nonsense shall forever remain a mystery and so will it remain a mystery if she heard something about me. That’s the ONLY thing I can think of: somebody said I said something about her.
Lady, use your brain: would I ever do that to you???
….Or maybe she got sick of having a friend who has had too much trouble in her life. Gee, right now her friend is in a shitty building with all Section 8 people and 2 of them are known mental cases. Poor Dude. Yes, Poor Dude but I can’t continue this friendship.
Is that where it’s at??
The loneliness factor is indescribable. I told you guys I cannot and will not mix with this neighborhood. I can’t really “make friends” with the neighbors — I see but 3 of them: that lady with the kids and the other 2 I told you about. There is “nothing” here for me.
Had things worked out in another way for me: I’d have bought a home years ago and moved to an actual locale where there’d be a lot going in it for me. I’d make the new friends and have the new experiences.
I didn’t want to come to this neighborhood — I have talked about this before. For the entire time being, I have only myself. And my options are getting out there and doing something each day and finding things I can attend where I can at least talk to people. As for the friends? that takes time to nurture the friendship.
So I am uprooted yet again and for whatever reason it is, Pat’s gone. I have no substantiated reason why and I am guessing I never will — it will be open to debate and I can only guess at what happened. Though I think “She heard something about me that involved her” is a very very good guess.
Suggestions or aid? or anything??? I need it badly.
Kind words will help, too. Thanks.