When relatives bad mouth you

My mother has always been one of those people who will bad mouth me. When I was in school she would tell people things about me (both real and made up)to make her look like this perfect mom while making me look like a nutjob. I would have random people come up to me and tell me stories on how I would cause trouble or do things I had no involvement in. Meanwhile my brother (her obvious favorite)could do no wrong and never has. In fact life has been wonderful for him where he graduated college, got a great job out of school, got married to his childhood sweetheart, had a kid, joined the army for medical school and is now an army doctor. Me, I have always fallen on hard times, where I struggled financially to finish college on my own (with little help from my parents because they figured I would find a man to support me). I did find a few jobs but so many were not jobs I desired (unlike my brother who got all the jobs he interviewed for). Guywise I struggled just as much where men I liked had no interest but men I didn’t like wanted to date me.

Of course this leads me to now where I have been unemployed and single, which is a double whammy. I am trying to find a job desperately and failing. My mother knows I am trying, she sees all the rejections but instead blames me. In her world it MUST be my fault. She has now reportedly gone back to her old tricks of telling people what a waste I am because I am not working. I try telling her I apply to EVERYTHING yet I still get rejected. She has no taken it a new level and of course it must be my attitude turning employers off because I think I am better than others. Well, yes I do think I am too good to work in a store or restaurant but have applied at these places and yes was told I am overqualified. I try jobs at my level and guess what? they reject me too! Reportedly she told her friend what a loser I am and her friend agreed because of course there are jobs out there! Yes, this friend got her loser son a job through who she knew and her employer was hiring but I got rejected.

Honestly I am waiting to hear from this employer and if I get rejected I want to die. I can’t handle anymore of this and want out. The idea of being stuck here the rest of my life until they die and I remain single and unemployed is a nightmare.

39 thoughts on “When relatives bad mouth you”

  1. I think it is time to end this codependency — this isn’t a healthy mother daughter relationship — and tell your mother “Until you treat me civilly, I will not be on speaking terms with you” and then give her the total and complete gate.

    I don’t know if you are financially dependent on your parents (not my lookout) but if you are, you’ve got worse than double jeopardy and a catch 22 situation on your hands. When she starts that nonsense you go “Ma, I have to go” and hang up on her.

    She’s got no right to talk to you like that.

    And speaking from somebody who is divorced (I was older when I married) there’s no more stigma in being single once you pass a certain age. Your marital status is nobody’s concern but your own. Let them go fight fires in a building that is actually frigging ON FIRE.

    Start your own business. See SCORE and others to get the whys and wherefores. You’ll be reemployed and an owner of your own business.

    I had an aunt who was the same way as your mother.

    And suppose you got married and you left the guy, or he took off and you never heard from him again, or shit happened (that you never foresaw) and now you have to divorce the jerk? Marriages are not failsafe nor are they a guarantee.

    There is no guarantee a husband will support you. Suppose he dies, or gambles all his money away or plumb refuses to support you, once you are married??? Suppose he loses his job and he can’t find another one? Suppose you found out he is having an affair and all of his money is going to some little bird he’s got on the side?

    There are many many scenarios that I can name. A husband is no guarantee for support financially.

    What I think you ought to do, guy wise:

    Call a year’s moratorium on any kind of men, and that includes “Fred A-STARE.”

    Don’t date anyone — take the “year off” to decide what is is you want out of life.

    Join groups — volunteer and do other things — that YOU want to do, for your own interest. Go on retreats — you said you’re spiritual. Do something you always wanted to do; make up a bucket list and then go for it. They don’t have to be expensive or involve spending lots of money.

    I don’t think you should shake your pom poms for any guy who isn’t proactive enough to call you and go “What say we go to dinner? How is Friday night for you?” How difficult is that, particularly at “our age” — which is over 40?:) Come on… if a guy hasn’t got his stuff together enough to ask you out on a date, he’s either strange, not really interested, socially or emotionally stunted or just not all there.

    Don’t fish where the fishing’s not good.

    1. I’ve never been one to depend financially on a man and that’s one thing that has always bothered my mom. In fact once I turned 18 I’ve supported myself and not expected anyone to support me. This has caused a lot of conflict with my mom because she is the traditional type who believes men support women but I’ve had to tell her that there is never a 100% guarantee of this. I have friends who became stay at home moms only to end up divorced anyway and now they find themselves 40 unskilled and no education. Sure I am unemployed for now (though am looking into grants to expand my computer training/website design business)but I am skilled and they are not. It’s also why I am not married because I refused to marry a man who insisted on supporting me because I am independent.

      I am giving this guy an ultimatum this week because he is driving me nuts on this. I truly like him (and by like I mean platonic)but him acting like a teen boy is driving me nuts. He owns a business so I expect that to come first, especially since him and his mother depend on it along with her social security check. Oddly I am okay with him not wanting a relationship if that is the case (he claims he does with me but who knows)because outside of my job situation I have a full life.

      1. Oboy.

        And his mother is involved in this.

        It is not likely he will marry.

        And if he does, I have the ugly feeling that she will take a back seat to his mother.

        Go out and find a guy with a regular job, friends, and a life.

        Join something where you will meet people through a common interest. That’s the best way to make friends or to meet somebody to date.

        Getting back to your mother:

        When somebody acts like that, I tend to think that that individual has a personality disorder and/or has an emotional or mental problem. THis is not normal treatment. She shouldn’t be acting this way.

  2. I’ve tried looking for a man that fits my qualifications and he does to a T, but I am worried about his relationship with his mom. I failed at online dating and when I join activities the only single men I meet are divorced dads or men old enough to be my father. Not dating either group. Never met a guy at work because most have either been married or gay. Going to see what he does this summer but have vowed if he does nothing my dating days are completely over.

    1. Church singles groups are good for churchy things and for making good girlfriends but I’ve found the guys who join those things are duds.

      Guys at work, forget. Date the guy and the whole company is in on your business; they will know a week before you do that you and he are history, also.

      What about neighbors and friends? Somebody’s gotta know a nice guy who is looking to meet a nice girl.

      Why don’t you have a meetup — you host it — go to a local fun bar on a Saturday afternoon — and tell your girlfriends to each bring one guy with them? You never know who meets who and who clicks with who — the best way to meet somebody is thorugh a common endeavor or via somebody you know well.:)

      Just meet for food and fun. Saturday afternoosn usually are no pressure and the bistros and fun bars are usually empty at that time of day.:)

      Or meet to go bowling or something “group.” Same thing: bring a friend of the opposite sex.:)

      1. I’ve tried singles groups and always fail. Those seem to attract the bottom feeders and I’d rather be single. I do avoid men I have worked with as well because years ago I did date one, we broke up and it caused a lot of trouble so now I avoid any men I have worked with. Most of my friends are single and none know any single men.

        1. They do not have a cousin, another family member like a BIL, or a neighbor, or a coworker that’s a single guy and looking for a nice woman — they don’t belong to some social group, or a professional group, where they’re bound to know a guy who is on the lookout for somebody to date?

          They could bring somebody like this to the meet up I just described.

          “Real men”don’t join singles groups or church-based groups. They don’t go to wine tastings, museum art openings, Sierra Clubs or anything “girls out on the make.”

          Dear Abby or somebody says the guys are usually spending Saturday mornings and Sunday mornings enjoying fishing, or working on their cars, or maybe heading to a corner bar to watch the game later on that day.

          You don’t like baseball? Maybe go to a nice little bar/grill where there’s bound to be some nice guys there, with the same idea: there to watch the Saturday afternoon baseball game.

          1. In July I am helping at a car show and lots of single men there. This guy is also involved in that as well and I will see him there.

  3. It sounds like you are setting yourself up for a choice of which woman whose thumb you are under: your mother or his mother. I wouldn’t expect “Fred A-Stare” to leave the family business because “Mother needs him”, and if they need her Social Security check to keep the business going, they are likely to be bankrupt in a short period of time. At a minimum, they should be able to make enough from the business to support themselves, and that doesn’t seem to be the case. The business is a money pit, though maybe only to the tune of a thousand dollars or so per month. Cash-negative businesses will bleed them. How stocked is their inventory? My guess is that the shelves are not full and they try to do custom orders where they can to be certain that the item will sell. If they deal with live animals, there is a definite shelf life to them.

    Big box stores of all kinds have been putting smaller retailers out of business for years, and they also have competition from veterinarians for the pet food and drug market, as well as the online retailers. The only reason to go to a pet store is if you need something NOW that a big box store doesn’t carry and that you can’t get from the vet because the vet has closed for the day.

    There are worse things than being alone, and one of them is being in a bad relationship. I believe that you would always come out second best to Fred’s mother, and what kind of a life is that for you? She’d just look at you as free labor for the store, and then you’d get another level of crap from your mother for working for free.

    They are approaching a time in life when they might do well to liquidate the business because Mother Fred might be unable to work anymore, and they can’t afford to hire anyone to replace her for pay. The kindest reason that I can think of for Fred’s reluctance to approach you is that he knows that you would be treated as slave labor by his mother. I don’t know whether they rent their storefront, but if they own the building, chances are tha most of the value of the business is in the real estate, not the “going concern” value of the business.

    1. YOu are holding out until JULY, for this guy who does nothing but stare.

      I’m going to talk to you like a Dutch uncle:

      You’re out of luck.

      When a guy likes you, he KNOWS — and he does not hesitate to let you know. He’ll go through hell and high water to make sure he knows you are interested. He’s not going to wait 2 or 3 seasons to ask you out. He will do it ASAP.

      Not to mention you’re treading on very rough waters when it comes to the situation with his mother.

      I will bet you that Fred A-Stare has hardly dated; he sounds lacking in the social skill area.

      And really, what full grown adult male stares at a woman??? That’s rude, that’s kind of impolite and I’d wonder why he keeps staring at me without saying a word. He might be socially clumsy or might even be on the autism spectrum (there are all kinds of degrees of autism; I know several people who are autistic and they are all fantastically academically bright.)

      Don’t fish where the fishing’s not good.

      Are you sure you don’t want to date a guy who is a father of a youngster? or a guy whose kids are probably teenagers and getting ready to apply to the college scene? Not all divorced men are bad; there are even guys that age who are widowers. Thee was a widower gent in our neighborhood who was 36 and had a son about a year younger than me (I was 10 at the time) — my mother dated him for awhile.

      He had a pretty good job with one of the big utility companies. This was in the days where they’d hire you to do something like wash the fleet’s trucks…and then they’d promote you from within. They trained him and he became a lineman — and after that, he was some sort of a supervisor of the guys who worked on the lines.

      I had a cousin who did the same thing — he got a job washing the trucks — and after that, the phone company hired him to do something bigger and better.

      Bear in mind, too, that if you are the sole caretaker for a parent or relative or friend, it is stressful and taxing, in every area you can name. He may not even have the financial means to date somebody at this moment. Home care isn’t cheap, meds aren’t cheap and it’s not likely he can get a nurse or a caretaker in there to companion/watch over his mother.

      “Oh he’s divorced” means nothing nowadays. I don’t buy into that bit where the Catholic church thinks the divorced are pretty much spoiled goods. Lots of us got divorced because it was no fault of our own. And there are other religions that don’t have a person wishing to remarry in that faith go through the whole process of a religious annulment. The Jews have a get and all it takes is an agreement from both former spouses. You sign off on the marriage with a rabbi there. No paper work, no tribunal, no “oh let’s see what really happened with this couple” — heck; you may not wish to say what went wrong — suppose your spouse was gay, refused to have sex with you and would not consummate the marriage, had a weird kink and that’s why he or she is gone — or there is some other touchy issue that you clearly think is none of anybody’s business but yours and your former spouse? You’d be reluctant to disclose such information to “strangers” in a church who decide whether or not “there was a marriage at all.”

      Maybe you and your spouse simply grew apart — it happens. Or your spouse wanted kids and you did not or you wanted kids and turns out your spouse changed his or her mind about them, somewhere after you got married? You simply may not want to let anybody in a religious organization know these details.

      As I always say, let God be the judge and jury, not men or women.

      1. Would I date a man who is divorced with kids? HELL NO. That’s a no way at all. I am Catholic and wouldn’t date someone who can’t marry in church. Not to mention the drama and financial. If I ever get a job I would end up supporting his kids and if I don’t the guy will struggle supporting with what he has left from his wife and kids. The drama is horrible too and nope I will avoid. Not to mention I firmly believe in most cases the parents stick together for the sake of the kids, except in extreme cases like abuse or cheating. So no way in hell would I ever consider a man with kids who is divorced. Probably wouldn’t consider a divorced man either unless he is annulled.

        I’m seeing where it goes with him but am keeping my options open, which do definitely not include fathers that are divorced or never married. Religion and money is far more important than being last in some loser’s life who couldn’t stay married for the sake of his kids.I have no intention of being a stepmom to some kids who have a mother. I might consider a widower but he would have to be amazing and have it all, including money and looks. Otherwise? probably not. The divorced dad could be wealthy and handsome and I still wouldn’t look at him.

        This guy is busy and no I don’t think he has dated much. He has told people he doesn’t think I am interested but I implied that and he has starting to make moves. If he doesn’t then I will look elsewhere but elsewhere does not include dads.

  4. His mom is getting up there in age (she is 80)so I do wonder what will happen when she passes. I guess I’m not thinking of what could happen because it is all a future possibility now. Maybe he will become more successful (he has many customers)or maybe not but in this economy many people are struggling. I won’t worry about it unless I start getting serious with him.

  5. It used to be that women looked at men in terms of the man’s prospects because there was an expectation that the woman would stay at home and keep house and raise the children. Now that there is an expectation that women will work outside the home as well, expectations of men may well have declined.

    Fred may inherit whatever house that this mother owns and a certain amount of property, but if the business is propped up by her Social Security check, you have to wonder why they bother staying in business. Do they stay in business JUST to give Fred a job? If they could shed the expenses that come with the business, they would be better off, even though Fred would be out of a job. If they are leasing space, it would make a huge amount of sense to wait for the lease to be within three months or so of expiring, then have a “going out of business” sale to liquidate the merchandise, having not restocked very much to reduce the potential loss. If they own the building where the pet store is located, that building has a certain value, though it may be slow to sell due to the demographics of your area. “Having a lot of customers” is necessary in retail becuase the average purchase is probably not more than $25, or whatever the price of a large bag of premium dog food is.

    You’re spending a fair amount of energy maintaining Fred as an option, and that might be a mistake. This situation has been going on for at least a year, and it’s getting to be time to fish or cut bait. Whether you realize it or not, you are at least somewhat serious about Fred because you are not pursuing other options and you are holding out hope where none seems to exist. It sounds like all that he wants to do is ogle you. There must be other guys at the American Legion or other places where you socialize. Fred and Fred’s Mom sound like a Norman Bates/Norma Bates sort of thing.

    1. The other guys at the Legion are all much older so no not much choice there. When I met him I was still meeting other guys (in fact until about 6 months ago doing online dating)but none were a match. One guy was great but lived too far and too young.

      Yes I think they keep the store partly because Fred (not his real name)will then have a job. One thing I have noticed about him is that he is shy and would likely not survive at a regular job. I also tend to believe that he was a slacker to some extent because I had heard that about 10 years ago (before they opened the store)he worked at the local gas station. Nothing bad about that really except does it mean he never had a real job outside the store?

      1. How shy does one have to be not to survive at a regular job? I’m as introverted as they come, which is why I’m an engineer. If I have a structure to operate within, I do well. I’ve never done well in office politics, but I’ve been good enough at what I do to have a decent career,

        There are people for whom shift work is a good thing. Your work is done when you leave the plant (or gas station), and there isn’t any work to take home, even in the sense of thinking about work while you’re at home. Not everyone has to have a high-powered job, and there aren’t enough of those jobs to go around.A problem that both you and Fred (I’ve picked up the “Fred A-Stare” that Dude called him) have is that you seem stuck in a fairly small geographic area, which curts down the number of jobs available.

        The “real job” is in many ways an illusion. We’re in a place where people are bidding $22K for unpaid internships.

        1. There are jobs where you do not need to be involved with a mob scene — there was this guy in our lab who was a section head and was not the nicest guy in the world. I would NOT hire him to supervise people…but he’d be positively fantastic if he was hired as a monitor.

          Monitors are the people who audit all of the data in a clinical laboratory where they are testing and implementing things like new medications, conducting drug trials or where paperwork of any type that involves lots of data is evident and plentiful. He was meticulous in everything lab-wise — which is why he’d be great as a monitor…but let him supervise oeople? Nope. He got along with very few people.

  6. I live less than an hour outside of Chicago so while it’s small town the big city is n’t far. I look in Chicago for professional jobs and dating because there are more opportunities there. However there aren’t as many of both as I wish.

    1. You would not consider relocating to a state where the jobs are more plentiful? What about Iowa? I have heard that they actually have a surplus of jobs.

      Why don’t you look and see what Monster in Iowa has in the way of jobs?

  7. I would relocate and have checked into it, and got a call about one. However the ones I have come across expect me to pay to travel and that is something I can’t do.

    1. Can’t you sell what you can sell and just put the bare remainder of what is left in a U Hall and drive there? That would be the cheapest way out.

      Or sell whatever it is you have and move to that place; take a bus or a train.

      1. I have built up a life here so unless I am offered an actual job someplace else I will stay here. I do check into jobs in Chicago but if I get one there I would commute as rent is very expensive in decent areas of the city. Otherwise not interested in just packing up and moving somewhere without an actual job offer. Did that many years ago and ended back where I started.

        1. I think the kid across the street from me should look into teaching jobs that are in states like Iowa or overseas in an English-speaking country.

          I think it would be fantastic for him to teach in a country like Australia and do it for a couple of years, at least — That’s a country that always ahs fascinated me. Seems like less of a rat race is there to begin with.

          He’s young and unattached and doesn’t run with that many people where he’s got a “big life” going on — I’m not saying this to be mean. he’s a nice kid who more or less keeps to himself and he’s got a small handful of friends…that’s all you need, anyway; the few that count.:) Not quantity but quality of your friends.

          This is what I would do if I could do it all over again: major in teaching and “sign on” with one of the public schools here stateside — it did not have to be in this state — but for a few years, go to a country like Australia and sow your wild oats, so to speak, and teach there — and then return here to teach in this country.

          Either that, or take the job I was offered at another lab — long story; we were sort of “exchange students” for a week at one of the larger local teaching hospitals. While I was there for that week, the woman who ran the electrophoresis chemistry lab offered me a job working for her.

          I am sorry now I didn’t take the job in that lab — take the job for even a few years and see where it goes.

          I turned her down. I’d heard stories about how nasty some of the people in that lab were and maybe that scared me off. I also heard that these managers were “certification happy” and more or less required you to have certification as a tech — there is still a test to sit for where it’s 400 questions and if you pass, you get the honor of having a couple of extra letters after you rname but that is it. You are NOT required to be certified as a med tech. Eligible for certification, yeah, but not required.

          Silly, isn’t it…youth really IS wasted on the young. This is what your mindset is at age 22.:(

          1. It’s almost impossible to get a job teaching English in an English speaking job because they have their people plus people from other countries in Europe if the country is Europe. I considered Spain many years ago because I do speak decent enough Spanish but discovered overseas teaching isn’t as glamourous as one might think.

    2. It isn’t possible to borrow a car from your parents and pay for gas and a night or two at a Motel 6 for a job that you really want? You don’t need to commit to travelling to the interview until you know that you will be interviewed, and in at least some cases, the interviewer might grant you a phone interview.

      Even fairly large companies no longer pay for on-site interview travel unless you are being hired into management. Strange as it might seem, you might do better looking for jobs farther away from home just because you are willing to relocate.

      There are some fairly large companies that do nothing but employee training. One is General Physics, though the name has changed to GP Strategies Corporation and their website is gpstrategies.com . They run the training program for the systems contractor where I work in Colorado, but they have sites nationwide. Most of their work is supporting various government contractors, so the work is usually stable for several years into the future.

      1. I’m not interested in going for interviews for jobs out of town unless it is a really good job and they pay. Otherwise, no I don’t want to move because I am content here. The jobs that did call me for far away interviews (I don’t say out of state because Indiana is close by and I get interviews there)were low paying jobs that I didn’t want and no way am I moving for one of those.

        1. You’re picking the jobs for which you apply. Are you really serious that there is no job at any rate of pay for which you would not risk a couple of days of gas and motel costs to get?

          I can understand not wanting to pay for travel for a $10 an hour no-benefits job. If you can’t support yourself on the pay that you will earn, there is no point in taking it, even though it does prolong the period of criticism that you will get from your mother. However, I can’t understand being unwilling to pay for travel costs for a job that would pay you $60K or so that is a state or so away. I’ve been travelling on my own dime for job interviews for my entire career, and it’s a relative rarity that I have my travel costs paid. I can think of two jobs that paid my travel costs, and they were both in Yuma, AZ, which is about 30 miles from the border with Mexico. Even when I drove from Philadelphia to central Virginia for an interview back in 1987, I paid the costs of travel, and that was for a job that would pay about $70K now.

          There are reasonable reasons not to be willing to pay for the trip, such as not being able to afford it, not wanting to ask your parents to use the car, and wanting to avoid conflict with them because you are dependent on them. Still, if it’s a really good job and you are being interviewed, they ought to be open to the idea.

          1. I have a car so that’s not a problem but no I don’t see jobs in other states that would be worthwhile for me to move. I see the same jobs I am applying for here and am not willing to move for these jobs. I like it here and live close enough both to Chicago and NW Indiana (in fact Indiana is about 20 minutes away)where I could commute. So no I am simply not willing to spend hundreds of dollars for a job I likely won’t get.

  8. It sounds like the only situation where you would travel to get a job is one where an offer has been made contingent on passing a drug screen or other pre-employment test, and the drug screen has to be administered by their staff or a lab of their choosing that is near the place where you will work. I’ve had that happen to me. I was offered a job contingent on a drug screen in 2005, and I had to travel to a hospital about 20 miles away to get the drug test, which I passed.

    For my current job, I had a job offer contingent on passing a pre-employment physical that required a drug test, EKG, and a doctor’s exam, all at my cost. Even though I got a letter from the industrial health nurse on post that stated that I was not to be charged for the exam and tests, I still had to pay for them.

    1. Yes I would move in that situation but not just move for no job at all. In fact I did have an opportunity for a radio job in 2001 in Phoenix but I turned it down so that says how much I really don’t want to move (and I was living somewhere else then).

      I once went for an interview where they wanted me to take a drug test, and required me to pay for it. I turned down the job on that basis because if they are too cheap to pay for it they are too cheap to pay me decently.

      1. I make a distinction between travelling to complete the hiring process and moving in order to start the job. I mind less having to pay for the testing when I have a job offer in hand than when I am just a candidate for the job.

        I believe that we all have a choice, but that we have to be willing to bear the consequences of our choices. You had a chance to reneter the profession for which you trained back in 2001, and where it is very difficult to get a job. If you are happy living where you do, I can’t argue with that, but you have to be willing to deal with the annoyances that it entails, and that is not something that you are willing to do. You seem to expect your family to support you and not say a word about your inability to find employment. Your father lost his job, so things may be getting tough for your family.

        I used to own a house in Anderson, IN, which is north of Indianapolis. Talking with a realtor in 2006, she told me that the down spiraled into depression after 9/11, and that things haven’t gotten better. They did get close to 1000 applicants for something like 50 jobs at a auto parts manufacturer a few years ago. 3 bedroom houses rent for about $400 a month there.

        1. My dad actually got a new job and I am starting to get more interviews so there is a possibility one of these will work out. When I did get the radio job back in 2001 was when I was thinking of leaving the radio business entirely and though I did work at one after this, I was mixed on the idea. I actually don’t regret not taking the job because I know someone who took a radio job in 2002 and several years later is now longer working in the field.

          Like I said I would consider moving for a job but not moving unless there is a guaranteed job, and a good one at that. Otherwise, nope been there done that.

          1. So you would pass if the only things standing between you and the final job offer were a $25 drug test and the need to travel to the town where the job is located to take the test? I am presuming in this hypothetical case that you know the salary for the job and have been made a definite offer with a particular starting date, contingent on passing the drug test.

            Where I work, we make those sorts of contingent job offers all the time. Two things in the company’s favor are that people are transported to the plant at the company’s cost, but they take their drug test immediately upon reporting for employee orientation, and the employer pays for the drug test. If they fail the test, they are fired. I doubt that they are returned to their last place of residence at company expense, but they might be.

            One reason that the drug testing policy does not cost the prospective employee anything is that the company can charge the cost of travel and testing to their government contract and be reimbursed, and receive fee and profit on the costs. They make money on the drug testing and background investigation that the contract requires. A private company, or even a publicly traded one, might not be as generous, and would try to pass the cost onto the prospective employee.

  9. It would have to be a job that I was guaranteed but if it was just a third interview or whatever probably not. If it costs me anything then no I would probably turn it down because that tells me the company is cheap. However this is all hypothetical since the jobs I was offered they paid for the tests and the ones that didn’t were only first or second interviews.

    1. My current job offer was contingent on passing the physical, which was usually paid for by the government, but due to billing errors, I had to pay about $200. This worked out to under a day’s pay at my current salary. I’ve since learned that I can be reimbursed if I find my receipts, so I have to write to Germany for copies of my invoices.

      If I’m understanding you correctly, you would pay to travel to the town for the drug test if it was a definite offer of employment with sufficient salary and benefits, and you had a definite start date provided that you passed the drug test.

      The whole thing is hypothetical, but it’s important to be clear in your own mind about what you will or won’t do should the circumstance arise. I am used to having to pay to travel to interviews. The need to travel has declined as phone interviews have become more common. I’ve been hired over the phone or been made a job offer based on my qualifications without an interview for six of my last seven jobs. Perhaps I just “show better” over the phone.

      1. Yes if there was a job offer I would pay my travel if I really wanted the job. If it was just an interview or a drug test then no I won’t pay. I don’t have the money to be spending money on what is a pipe dream.

        1. A job candidate should NOT have to pay for any type of test or screening — and IF you pay for it out of pocket, the company needs to reimburse you, whether or not you get the job.

          YOu can deduct moving expenses as part of your income tax filing, if you do it to relocate for a job.

          I don’t see why you shouldn’t do it — sell what you have and then get a furnished apartment — even a studio apartment — when you get out there.

          And then buy what you need, little by little.

          If I had no roots here, I’d do it. I said that a long time ago.

          You could Skype the interview. And lots of places now do the interview by phone. Nobody travels anymore, really.

          1. The thing is I don’t want to move at all. I do have roots here now and would give up a lot for a dream. Obviously if we are talking a good job I might consider but the jobs I am seeing out of town are slightly above entry level and not interested.

          2. I believe that you have to move a minimum of 45 miles from either your place of work or your residence, whichever is less, to the new residence for the moving expenses to be deductible as an adjustment to income. That said, adjustments to income don’t have to go through the standard deduction, but are simply deducted from your income before applying the personal exemption and standard deduction or itemized deductions.

            When I move, I usually hold out for a relocation package that pays my moving expenses and provides an allowance for temporary housing, but then I am in a salary range that provides these benefits about 70% of the time.

            I didn’t want to go back go my old job when I finished my job in Germany, and I have experience in other areas, so I moved to another state and took a job that paid less than my old job. I don’t have strong ties anywhere, but there isn’t a lot to be done when someone doesn’t want to move. Had I had stronger ties back East, I might have gone back to a truly miserable job.

            We all have job situations that we want to avoid. I hate the Capitol region. When I worked there, I arranged things so that I lived in a place to allow me to commute in a direction where traffic was a lot lighter. In one case, I was able to find an apartment two miles from work.

  10. I’m probably not going to move anyway so this isn’t a point with me. I have rarely even seen decent jobs outside of my area and most employers aren’t going to bring in someone from hours away when they can get someone much closer.

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