Online dating

Just when I thought nothing was worse than job hunting I was proven wrong by online dating. Like job hunting, I thought I would have an advantage because I have a lot to offer, namely I am attractive and not as much baggage as most my age. My only baggage is I am unemployed (which bothers me) but I figure if we dated we could go cheap, or hopefully eventually I will find a job or work for myself. I do not tell men online my job situation because I don’t want them to think I am looking for a man to support me. However my job situation is the least of my problems.

Years ago I did the phone dating, which is a forerunner to online. This was late 80s-early 90s. During this time I was generally in college but for some reason couldn’t find boyfriends there. I think I was looking for older men so this is why I tried these sites. However most of the guys lied about their looks, income etc. I met a guy who claimed to be a millionaire and obese men who claimed to be in shape. Phone dating was for the most part trash though I did find two boyfriends from it.

Years later when online dating started I did it because at the time it was free for women. I created a profile at Match and actually met a couple of good guys. However I didn’t feel a click so I never pursued it further. During this time I became work obsessed and while I dated guys I met, no one really struck my fancy offline. So I decided to try Match again and once again met some great guys, but most of the guys would send me messages like “you’re hot”. That is a turn off. Other guys would either be too old or dads and neither idea appealed to me. One guy turned out to be married and this was a let down. I had a membership for 2 years, didn’t find a soulmate (or even a guy who was a boyfriend)so I cancelled it. I found a lot of men more into casual sex than relationships. This was when I still had a job. In the meantime I reconnected with a former friend who I always thought was the one but he ended up breaking my heart. I will always have scars by the way he broke my heart and now I am more careful about getting too serious too soon.

Flash forward to now. Last Christmas my mom gave me a membership to a religious dating site. Her idea was even though I am unemployed now if nothing else I could find a good guy. I also created profiles on free dating sites. While I am finding lots of men fitting what I require (namely no kids, not obese, and preferably never married)many of them don’t like me. The reason? according to them I am “too old”. Apparently they want kids and want younger to assure this. However there is never a guarantee they can have kids, that a younger woman can or that I can’t. I am not in menopause, not even periomenopause and this was backed by my doctor. My family has a history of late menopause and late pregnancy. Even so, I shouldn’t be judged by this, because older men run a risk of defects too! Besides there is adoption, and other options. If they blame me for waiting, then they have to blame themselves too. To be honest I don’t think all of these men are looking for babies, they just want younger. The men responding on these sites are much older, including my dad’s age, and undesirable to me. On the free sites I am finding men mostly wanting sex, though have met a few who didn’t click with me. In general the men I’ve met or talked to were extremely delusional what they could get. I would get all these 60 year old men who wanted to date me or these obese men stating “no fatties”.

I should mention offline I never have trouble finding men, including younger, hotter,┬ámen. I look much younger and men have fallen over me. I’ve had random men come up to me to talk. In my 20s I was a model and would literally turn heads when I walked in a room. I remember years ago walking into a record store with a guyfriend and men turning around and whistling. Yes I was that hot. I still look pretty much the same, though a bit heavier. Not that I am especially large now, but back then I was in excellent shape, usually a size 6-8.

There is a guy near me who seems like he would be a good potential but if he’s not then I am throwing the towel in regards to online┬ádating and stick to offline. People online are just too weird for me.

8 thoughts on “Online dating”

  1. Like the guys who attend singles dances, singles groups (not just the Catholic ones) and other singles-related functions, they make a career of habituating online dating sites.

    Many of the guys have been around for quite some time.

    What I find is a lack of honesty. How many of those pictures are very recent — recent as in taken within the last 3 months? Heck, everybody and their Uncle Mike has a digital camera. There’s no excuse NOT to have a recent photo of you in your profile…

    Unless you’re skeery scary, extremely overweight, extremely underweight or balder than a proverbial cue ball.

    Maybe you’re only 5 feet tall and you’ve listed your height as 6 foot whatever.

    Honesty is the best policy. I dislike liars and I don’t care where they are.

    There are women out there who like very thin men, the heftier men (they have some kind of “big teddybear” thing for these guys; whatever floats yer boat) or bald men.:)

    And if you are that skeery scary, or think you are, let the viewer of your picture decide for herself. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

  2. I’m so glad I got out of the dating scene about 15 years ago!! I can picture all the things you’re running into sounds and it sounds a little like my experiences with the phone-based dating services. No doubt I didn’t have as much going for me looks-wise as you. Always considered myself around average-looking even tho I was athletic as a young guy. But by the time I hit my early thirties I was starting to look clearly balding, which I have even read in newspaper articles citing opinion polls that it’s a big issue with most women.

    The other strikes against me were that even tho I was steadily employed, I clearly didn’t earn enough to support any kids, much less a woman and kids. Plus, I bravely admitted that I didn’t really want any kids. Believe me, I had my reasons, and not mostly because I was selfish or immature. Just didn’t think I could ever afford them and doubted after growing up in dysfunctional family that I could ever be a good parent. Figured learning to be a good partner would be challenge enuf.

    So, not surprisingly, the only women that seemed to click with me and want me were usually about ten years older than me, on average. Like my future wife turned out to be.. They either had been there, done that with kids or had always felt the same as me about kids. The other thing I remember being really sick of after a while about dating is how much first dates were like job interviews-that is if the women didn’t already try to have the interview over the phone before even meeting me!

    I got to the point that, if the woman was trying to do the whole interview over the phone, I would ask her if she wanted to leave anything left to ask if we met in person. Because, while I agree that most people lie at least some about their looks before they meet you in person-and men seem to be worse than women about it- by the same token I remember plenty of women who would just size up my looks as soon as they saw me and lose all interest in the date.

    In fact , a couple even stood me up because they arrived ahead of me at the meeting and decided I didn’t meet their standards. I’m not ugly, but that’s a very cruel thing to do. So, I guess the most fair thing to do would be to ask enough ?s before the meeting to get an idea if they’re worth meeting up with, and then meeting up with them so you can get past the ones that either lie about their looks or don’t meet your standards of looks.

    Cuz’ the worst, to me, is the people who treat even honest, decent folks like us like only their time and feelings matter, where they want to ask all the ?s of you like a job interview before they risk meeting you and then feel entitled to bolt out the door as soon as they decide you aren’t attractive enough in person after they see you.

  3. I’ve always believed in being honest online. I have run into the men who lied about the height, which I find weird. The strangest one was this guy who claimed to be 6foot tall and when we met he then tried to say I was taller than I thought. Bizarre because I am somewhere in the height range of 5’6 3/4-5’7 or so and the tallest I have passed for is probably 5’8. I’m no way even remotely close to 6 foot tall. Yes I have also run across the guys who posted old photos including one guy who said he looked the same as now, but he didn’t. Then there were the guys who were much heavier than they claimed and that bothered me and to add to it they would say something like “women don’t judge on looks”. Sorry but yes we do. If we find someone unattractive we will not all of a sudden be attracted to them in most cases. That’s not to say he has to be handsome, but people I find repulsive usually stay that way. However if he seems nice but not repulsive this can change. For some unexplained reason the types of men I like aren’t interested in me but the ones I don’t like are.

    I have seen the same guys who have been online for years, and many were on when I did dating years ago. The dating site I am on now the people have been on for YEARS, no kidding.

  4. Singing Thinker, that is exceptionally cruel they did that. The only time I would stand up a guy is if he intentionally lied about his looks. Otherwise no. I even met guys who told me upfront they weren’t handsome or were obese and most of the time they weren’t as unattractive as they thought.

    The one thing about online dating I don’t like (and didn’t like about phone dating)is that some questions come out too soon. I understand being upfront and saying one wants marriage, or doesn’t want kids or just wants casual sex because people not looking for this can decide not to meet. However some things just seem too early to ask, like sexual comments. I’ve been asked so many sexual comments, even on religious sites.

    The balding and job issues never really bothered me with one notable exception. That exception is if a person was clearly unambitious. I know with this economy people are taking jobs they wouldn’t normally, but if they are long time employees for that job, yes that would deter me. A recent example is this guy is a KFC cook and has been for 20 years. Before that he was a KFC dishwasher and worked at Burger King too. Now if he said he just took the job to get ahead or something I’d give him slack but 20 years doing it? He’s 50 btw. I don’t fault fast food workers but if you are still working there 20 years later without moving up into management you probably aren’t the smartest tool in the shed.

    I forgot to mention the guys who never met me but keep sending me messages on how they love me and yes a few already proposed to me. Others tell me they want to be my man and will do anything to win my heart.

  5. Would you consider the guys who are shorter — under 5’8″?

    I think short guys are positively adorable; I prefer them, in fact.:)

    The only ones cashing in on the food franchises….are the owners. You have to own a good buck to buy into one. (and if you are with one for 20 years as a cook, yeah — what kind of money IS in it for you? I’m curious)

  6. Definitely. In fact the one guy I am interested in is shorter than me and I think might even be shorter than my 5’4 mom. Height means littler and in the past I had a crush on a man who was 5’1.

  7. I still think you should consider things like:

    Volunteering for a good cause — what about getting involved with Relay for Life, some other cancer fund raising group or another endeavor where you will meet dedidcated, intelligent men?

    If they are volunteering for a group that raises money for a good cause, they’ll hardly be fly by nights or flakes.

    There’s also group sports lessons: coed tennis lessons, for one. What about kickbox or some other martial arts lessons where the lessons are coed?

    Your college alumni group would be another good place to meet somebody with a like interest: your college! There’s always a fundraiser, a reunion party or something related to your major that’s happening.

    I still say the best way to meet somebody is through a common interest.

    And you never know — maybe you’ll meet somebody else through that guy. I know a couple who met that way: Mary dated John and she and John parted amicably. Just one of those things; it just didn’t pan out.

    John introduced Mary to what would be her future husband.

    And getting the word out to people you know is a good way also — tell them you want to meet a nice guy. I think I mentioned this before.

    Online dating sucks. I want to see up front what I am getting, in person. And like i said, too many guys make a career out of Match, jDate, Harmony or whatever it is that is out there. Spend the money on something else, guys, that is more wortwhile for YOU…like a 1 way ticket to Siberia. haha.

  8. Well I saw that guy today and I’m not sure if he’s interested in me. I am interested in him but he talked to me then said he had to go back to work (he’s an officer at the American Legion and this is where the event was). I’m so tired of dealing with men who turn out not to be interested, especially after I get my hopes up about a guy. I’ve already vowed that if he has no interest in me I am completely done with dating. It seems all that are left are guys not interested in dating, guys not interested in dating me (often because of my age)or divorced dads (and no way would I touch one of them, I’d rather be alone).

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